Creating Space for our Power to Choose!

14 years ago, I went to my doctor…not out of need, but necessity. I was approaching ~300 pounds (292 to be exact). My blood pressure was a mess, my testosterone was shot, my breathing and sleeping were a nightmare, nothing good was on the horizon for my health and well being. We agreed we needed to do something. Something drastic and hard. I didn’t know if I had it in me. I was scared, frustrated, worried and frankly fed up (literally and figuratively).

We took MAJOR and even risky steps to GSD (get sh!t done). I started by going on a ~500-600 calorie a day diet for the first 3 months to SHOCK and restart my metabolism. I think snails were outpacing it at the time. Between the two green beans, the three bites of tilapia, and the four sticks of celery I consumed, I’d walk into meetings weak, tired and ready to shovel all of the left over pastries from the breakfast buffet into my mouth… I didn’t, but I “wanted” to. Retraining your already, always way of being, thinking and acting around food….Damn near killed me mentally…just as overeating and consumption was about to do it physically. Within 6 months, I’d dropped 70 pounds…increased my caloric intake and started to exercise and work out again. Within a year, I was weighing in at 175 pounds. I’ve stayed within the 170-195 pound arena for the last 14 years, I can always tell when I am in need of checking back in to some things I learned along this journey.

One key factor is I had to retrain my brain, and my eating habits. It would be easy to blame American diets and servings at restaurants. But I have traveled the world, and I will tell you… we over serve food in almost every country and continent I have been to. Not sure about Antartica….never been there….but the rest- over serving is a real issue. When we say there is a food shortage in the world…I can easily point to the fact that food is abundant.

I started training myself to look at my plate during a meal. Half way through the meal, I would stop- pause, check-in and ask, “Am I full?” If the answer was yes, I would stop eating. Sounds simple, right? Not as easy as one might think. It took effort and discipline. It took re-training my brain from inherited conversations like “Finish your plate” or “There are children starving in Africa”….all the things that came out of the Great Depression and the need for survival during scarcity. Not the current world or circumstances…just an inherited “way of being, doing and thinking” that I was never at the source of choosing.

How does this relate to me, the world, and the work I do today? Building in new disciplines that interrupt the automatic, inherited ways of thinking, being and acting…it can have a profound and lasting impact about who we are and how we show up as leaders.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose a response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”  –Viktor Frankl

Whether it’s frustration from a work project, annoyance during a conversation, or anger in a conflict, these feelings can lead us to react impulsively, often resulting in misunderstandings and hurt. However, just as we can train ourselves in physical habits—like recognizing fullness during meals—we can also develop emotional triggers that help us navigate challenging situations with empathy and self-awareness. Here are some possible actions for building these triggers into our daily lives:

1. Pause and Assess:

   Just as I asked myself if I was full, consider implementing a pause before reacting to an emotional trigger. When you feel frustration or annoyance rising, take a moment to breathe deeply and ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” This simple act of self-reflection can provide clarity and prevent knee-jerk reactions.

2. Identify Your Triggers:

   Take time to recognize what specifically triggers your emotional responses. Is it a particular person, a stressful situation, or a recurring conflict? By identifying these triggers, you can prepare yourself mentally and emotionally, allowing for a more measured response when those situations arise. (I have to do this every time I get behind the wheel of my car…do people not know how to use a turn-signal…I digress).

3. Set Intentional Boundaries:

   Just as I decided to stop eating when I felt full, establish boundaries for yourself in emotionally charged situations. For example, if you know that certain discussions lead to frustration, set a boundary for when to step away or change the subject. This helps you maintain control over your emotions.

4. Practice Empathy (it does require practice…it isn’t an auto response mechanism):

   Building empathy into your emotional triggers can transform how you respond. When you feel upset, remind yourself of the other person's perspective. Ask yourself, “What might they be feeling?” This shift in focus can turn frustration into understanding, allowing for more compassionate interactions.

5. Use Positive Affirmations:

   Incorporate positive affirmations into your routine when you anticipate challenging situations. Phrases like “I choose to respond with calmness” or “I can handle this with empathy” can serve as mental cues, reinforcing your commitment who and how you want to show up..

6. Reflect on Outcomes:

   After a challenging interaction, take the time to reflect on how you handled your emotions. Did you successfully pause and respond thoughtfully? What would you do differently next time? This reflective practice can help you fine-tune your triggers and responses over time.

As you embark on this journey, remember that every step you take is a step toward greater emotional intelligence. Just as I learned to recognize when I was full (or full of it, as some close to me might assert), you can learn to recognize and manage your emotions—ultimately leading to more fulfilling relationships and a more peaceful life.