Why Are You So Upset? Taking the 'Con' out of Conflict.

Disagreements are an inevitable part of life, and when they arise, they can have a significant emotional impact on our relationships. Left unchecked, these conflicts can escalate, creating distance between friends, family members, co-workers or acquaintances. So, how can we diffuse disagreements in our daily interactions? How can we address conflicts as they arise instead of allowing them to fester?

By understanding the dynamics behind why we get upset, we can take proactive steps toward healthier communication and relationships. I used to lead seminars for a personal/professional growth and development company. In one of the sessions, we provided this very practical approach to navigating everyday conflicts.*

Understanding the Roots of Upset

There are three fundamental areas that often underlie feelings of upset:

1. Undelivered Communication

2. Thwarted Intention

3. Unfulfilled Expectation

Undelivered Communication occurs when we hold back our thoughts and feelings. This can lead to internal frustration that manifests in our behavior. For instance, if you’re feeling upset that a friend shared something with your friend “group chat” that you shared with them in confidence, you might express this by being less communicative or acting distant. Recognizing this can help you understand the importance of voicing your concerns.

Thwarted Intention happens when our plans are disrupted. Imagine you planned a family outing to the park, but your partner decides to invite your friends over to the house instead. You might feel disappointed or sidelined, leading to tension. Acknowledging this feeling can help you address it constructively rather than letting it linger.

Unfulfilled Expectation arises when we have assumptions about how others should behave based on our own experiences. For example, if you expect a sibling or close relative to remember your birthday and they forget, you might feel hurt and upset. Understanding that others may not share the same expectations can help mitigate these feelings.

Reflect and Communicate 

When you find yourself feeling upset, consider asking yourself these questions:

- What is it I’m not saying?

- What didn’t happen that I hoped for?

- Which of my expectations weren’t met?

Reflecting on these questions can guide you to the root of your feelings and help you articulate them more clearly.

Move Toward Solutions, Not Blame

Once you’ve identified the source of your feelings, it’s crucial to communicate without placing blame. Instead of saying, “You never remember my birthday,” you might express, “I’ve been feeling disappointed because I was looking forward to celebrating my birthday together, and it didn’t happen as I hoped. Can we plan something special soon?”

This approach allows you to share your feelings without making the other person defensive, making it easier to find a solution together.

Don’t Take It Personally (easier said than done)

It’s essential to remember that disagreements are often not about you. Everyone has their own struggles, and someone’s bad mood may stem from their personal challenges. Encourage open communication by asking questions like:

- Is there something you need to share?

- Is there something that didn’t go as planned that’s bothering you?

- Do you have expectations that weren’t met?

By fostering a climate of openness, you create space for others to express their feelings and needs, thus reducing tension.

Avoid having a Meltdown!

Personal Reflection

It was a bright Saturday morning, and the sun was pouring in through the windows, filling my home with a golden glow. It was a perfect weather day in San Francisco - low of 69 and high of 77. If you know, you know. I had been looking forward to this weekend for weeks—a long-awaited brunch with my friends at one of my favorite (and hard to get into) brunch destinations. Zuni Cafe for the bay area readers. Again, if you know, you know.. The thought of bottomless mimosas, oysters, their famous half chicken, and laughter with my favorite people made me giddy with excitement.

As I got ready, I meticulously chose my outfit, wanting to look effortlessly chic yet comfortable. I slipped into my favorite casual couture and added just the right amount of accessories to feel fabulous. I had even set aside a little time for picking up some flowers along the way to have at our table while we got caught up.

Just as I was about to head out the door, my phone buzzed with a group chat notification. I opened it, and there it was—a cheerful message from my friends: “Can’t wait for brunch! But hey, Christopher, {friend who will remain nameless to protect the not so innocent} mentioned you were slammed with deadlines. We figured you’d be too busy to join us today. We’ll save you some pancakes!”

A wave of disbelief washed over me. Busy? I had planned my whole morning around this brunch! Sure, I had a few chores on my to-do list, but I was not too busy for mimosas and oysters! I felt a mix of irritation and disappointment bubbling up inside me. How could they assume I wouldn’t want to join?

I stood in my living room, staring at my reflection in the mirror, my fabulous outfit suddenly feeling like a costume for a party I wasn’t invited to. I imagined my friends sitting at the café, laughing over mimosas, while I was stuck at home, an unwilling participant in a chore marathon.

In my frustration, I decided to take action. I didn’t want to blame, shame or guilt anyone in the group…so, I grabbed my phone and snapped a quick selfie, making the most exaggerated sad face I could muster, complete with pouty lips and wide eyes. I captioned it, “When you’re ready for brunch but your friends think you’re too busy!”

With a moment's pause, I hit send to the group chat, and then I sat back, waiting for the responses. To my surprise, a flurry of reactions followed, from laughing emojis to a chorus of “Oh no, come join us!” A few minutes later, my phone buzzed again, and one of my friends sent a voice note: “We’re on our way! Don’t you dare eat those boring chores; we’ll pick you up!”

A surge of joy replaced my earlier frustration. When my friends arrived, the car was filled with laughter and chatter, and I felt my spirits lift with every passing moment.

As we settled into our seats at the café, surrounded by the aroma of coffee and the sound of clinking glasses, I couldn’t help but laugh at how a little upset had transformed into a delightful adventure. We spent the afternoon indulging in delicious brunch fare, sharing stories, and making memories that would last far longer than any solitary chore could.

In the end, I learned that sometimes, a little misunderstanding can lead to the most unexpected joys. Communication and moving towards solutions and not blame are key.  Those friends who think you’re too busy to join them are really just waiting for the right moment to remind you how important it is to make time for laughter and connection. And honestly, who needs chores when you’ve got brunch?

By recognizing the dynamics of upset and focusing on constructive communication, we can navigate everyday conflicts more effectively. This not only strengthens our relationships but also contributes to a more harmonious environment in all areas of our lives.

*Based on “The Upset Technology” © from Landmark Worldwide